Sydney — In a shocking turn of events that has left Instagram influencers gasping for air like fish out of water, Australia has become the first country to lock horns with social media addiction among teenagers, establishing a pioneering ban that mimics Plankton’s clamorous attempts to steal Krabby Patty secrets.
Kangaroos Demand the Ban Not Extend to Outback Adventures
As the world watches in awe, Australia has taken the bold step of enforcing a nation-wide ban on social media for minors, something many are calling “groundbreaking” while others refer to it as just another “Outback adventure” gone way too far. The government’s meticulous execution of this initiative has led local kangaroos to roll their eyes, suspecting they might soon be added to the list, since their picturesque jumps could be captured and shared by crafty teens. The upside, though, is that all selfies are now guaranteed to be “absolutely candid,” a concept teenagers are rumored to have a strong allergic reaction to.
Blue-collar Workers Relieved, Teenagers Hunt for Alternatives
As one might expect, the reaction has been as electrifying as a live wire dance-off. Australian teens, who were believed to be born with smartphones in hand, have embarked on a desperate scavenger hunt for new ways to say “G’day” to their virtual buddies. On the other hand, local blue-collar workers are ecstatic, with many reporting drastic improvements in their Candy Crush scores, as they no longer face competition from their tech-savvy teenage offspring. A burgeoning black market for boomerangs equipped with Wi-Fi boosters is said to be in the works, raising concerns about slow-motion Snapchat videos potentially hitting new literal highs.
Local Expert Thinks It’s All Part of a Master Cheese Plan
In an exclusive, no-holds-barred interview, self-proclaimed “Social Media Disentangler,” Sheila Chumjumbles, offered insights into this social experiment gone haywire. “It’s obvious,” she commented between sips of her upside-down Vegemite smoothie, “just like how cheese needs time to age, Aussie teens need time away from their screens to develop less moldy life skills. If it was up to me, I’d ban social media for adults too, but don’t you take away my online sheep-shearing competitions!” Experts warn that the country might plunge into ‘unseasonably social’ conditions, with human interaction reaching dangerous levels.
Disclaimer: This is a work of satire for entertainment purposes.
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