Delhi — In a shocking turn of cosmic events today, India’s vast population of Taureans woke up to a horoscope so optimistic that it sparked mass confusion and chaos nationwide.
“Taurus: Your Luck Won’t Fit in Your House Today”
This morning, astrologers across India collectively predicted that Taureans are likely to have the best day of their lives, featuring winning lottery numbers, career advancements, and even world peace—all set to align for them on the same day. Astrological hotline number crashed with an unprecedented number, as frantic Taureans dialed in to confirm if today’s date hadn’t become April 1st by accident.
“It’s as if the universe is dumping all its goodness into the Taurus circle,” reported local astrologer Chintu Patel, who claims to have seen similar celestial phenomenon in his past life as a Mesopotamian stargazer. Meanwhile, overly enthusiastic Taureans started exhibiting ‘bullish’ behavior, attempting to literally run with the concept by sprinting through crowded streets much like Pamplona—except with more lip-syncing to Bollywood tunes.
“Mobs of Blinkered Bulls Storm Lottery Booths”
As predictably unpredictable as a Taurus could be, throngs of self-proclaimed future millionaires descended upon lottery booths, resulting in pandemonium that traffic cops claimed made their usual workday ‘look like a beach vacation.’ Banks reported Taureans taking out unprecedented loans, citing “universal guarantee” as collateral, with some even calling it the ‘divine dividend.’ Meanwhile, sociologists are speculating whether this marks a new era of cosmic-based economic systems.
Not to be outdone, enterprising street vendors quickly pivoted to selling over-priced “horoscope insurance policies” to dubious Taureans, protecting them from possible “divine returns gone awry,” while local chaiwalas reported a spike in special “cosmic chaas” sales, allegedly brewed under the vigilant gaze of the North Star.
“Stars in Taurus Favor? Unemployed Astronomers Disagree”
“Today must be a massive clerical error by the universe,” scoffed Vijay Rao, a self-appointed ‘astro-skeptic’ and neighborhood uncle known for dispelling rogue beliefs. He was quick to remind the hopefuls, “Yeh sab kuch nahi hai but entertainment. Remember Holi? Now that’s the real mad, chaotic fun!” Meanwhile, an enthusiastic astrologer tried calming the burgeoning uproar, “Relax everyone! Even the stars need a laugh in these boring celestial routines.”
Disclaimer: This is a work of satire for entertainment purposes.
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