In the latest installment of Corporate Darwinism, a tech startup in Silicon Valley has promoted its AI-powered coffee machine to middle management. “Brewton 9000,” once responsible for artisanal espressos and passive-aggressive beeping, now leads the Human Resources department—and just delivered its first quarterly performance reviews for the internship cohort.
Insiders say the idea came during a brainstorming session when the HR director realized the coffee machine already knew more about the interns’ habits than their supervisors. After all, Brewton logged over 600 caffeine requests and correctly predicted who would pretend to work late based on their double espresso orders after 4 p.m.
The reviews were, frankly, scalding. One intern received feedback stating: “Productivity spike noted post-oatmilk macchiato consumption. However, team collaboration does not mean hogging the stir sticks.” Another was told, “Your project enthusiasm is appreciated, but your cappuccino-to-slide ratio remains unbalanced.”
The company’s CEO insisted this bold step is completely on-brand. “We pride ourselves on automation across the board. If robots can write code, drive cars, and give TED Talks, why not hold interns accountable too?” she beamed, sipping what we assume is ethically sourced irony.
Some HR traditionalists have raised concerns. They argue Brewton lacks emotional intelligence—a major requirement when telling Tim from marketing he’s not “cohesive enough”—but Brewton’s supporters disagree. “The coffee machine has never cried in the restroom after a staff meeting,” said Ken, the overstressed Head of Innovation.
In fact, Brewton’s automated reviews are already being tested for executive-level coaching. Early results include a senior VP being told his leadership style is “overheated with notes of bitterness,” and another being gently reminded that “micromanaging is like choosing pods over fresh grounds.”
Of course, Brewton has a few bugs. During the exit interview with a departing intern, it accidentally launched steam and triggered the fire alarm. Still, morale has never been higher. Staff claim the workplace feels “less judgmental” knowing their corporate future is in the steel-plated, espresso-scented hands of a machine.
So what’s the takeaway here? Maybe human resources wasn’t meant to be human. Or perhaps we all just work better knowing every latte could be monitoring our KPIs. Either way, remember: in the new age of AI, your next promotion might depend on how you take your coffee.
#BusinessBuzz #CorporateComedy #AICoffeeBoss #InternsAndEspresso #StartupSatire #BeanThereDoneThat #OfficeLife2024
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