New Delhi — In a turn of events that no market analyst predicted but every local astrologer swears by, the share price of Oil India is reportedly skyrocketing due to an unprecedented celestial event. The official explanation? It’s Venus in retrograde, baby!
Astrologers Named as New Stock Market Experts
Bewildered investors are now scrambling to consult their horoscopes instead of financial reports. A union of desperate stock traders was seen forming outside famous astrologer Guru Sharma’s office in South Delhi, eager to hear celestial advice about their portfolios. Traders now believe that aligning their investments according to planetary movements will guarantee profits unseen since the infamous “Saturn in Aquarius” bull run of 2009.
“Nobody knows why the stock is rising,” said Laxman Bhagat, a day trader from Mumbai. “But if it’s written in the stars, who are we to question?” Guru Sharma himself assured the nation that, “When Venus winks, all assets link,” thereby cementing his status as India’s new financial guru.
Government Proposes Astrology as Part of Economic Advice
As the Oil India share prices continue to baffle experts, word from the Finance Ministry suggests that they might add celestial mechanics to their economic toolkit. The newly proposed “Planetary Investment Strategy” (PIS) plans to rename the Bombay Stock Exchange as “Bombay Stargazers Exchange.” Rumor has it that major financial institutions are already retraining financial advisors to interpret not only index charts but birth charts, too.
“Gone are the days of spreadsheets and algorithms! The future rests on the shoulders of cosmic patterns,” announced Economic Advisor, Mr. Kapoor, at the latest finance conference. However, detractors claim that with Mercury entering the stocks’ tenth house soon, chaos could ensue.
Citizens Consult Stars, and Street Vendors
Yet, not everyone is convinced. In the bustling streets of Hyderabad, local chaiwala Ramesh was apprehensive, “Yesterday, I made investment decisions based on a parrot’s reading, today it’s the stars. Maybe tomorrow it will be my mother-in-law? Who knows!” As he swiftly served masala chai to stressed brokers, his skepticism reflected a growing confusion among the public regarding the new cosmic economic theories.
Disclaimer: This is a work of satire for entertainment purposes.
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