In a bold and confusing move, Switzerland has officially declared “perpetual neutrality” not only in war, but also in tourism-induced chaos. According to the Swiss Ministry of Marmots and National Serenity (newly established as of July), the country will no longer pick sides between the raging factions of selfie-stick warriors, fondue-seeking foodies, and Instagram hikers lost halfway up the Matterhorn.
This comes in response to an unprecedented summer stampede of tourists, which has converted once serene alpine meadows into aggressively international queues for cowbell souvenirs. Geneva locals report hearing seven different languages within a five-step radius—and none of them are Swiss German.
At a press conference held beneath a yodeler’s balcony, Swiss officials clarified, “We are neutral. In wars. In global diplomacy. In cheese vs. chocolate debates. And now, in determining whose AirBnB deserves the better view of Lake Lucerne.”
Tourism officials admitted the government had initially tried to triage the madness with polite signage and free raclette, but stumbled after 14 American influencers attempted to scale the Jungfrau in flip-flops, while simultaneously livestreaming wellness meditations.
In an exclusive interview with an exhausted Lucerne barista named Tobias, he declared, “I’ve made 237 matcha lattes today, and not one Swiss person ordered a thing.”
Meanwhile, The Great Glacier Rescue Squad (a surprisingly real thing) has filed for hazard pay after mistaking multiple TikTokers for actual lost hikers. One even put themselves in real danger trying to “recreate the Sound of Music opening” on a slippery slope… wrong country too, Heidi.
Switzerland, famous for its firm stance in not having a stance, now seems to be taking a stand for no stands whatsoever. “We have no opinion on your travel itineraries,” said the tourism minister, “but please stop feeding Toblerones to the goats.”
Taken positively, this satirical neutrality offers a life lesson: perhaps the world needs to chill—on vacation and off—and let even the most neutral countries get some peace.
So if you’re planning a trip to the Alps, bring your respect, your reusable water bottle, and for goodness’ sake, Google the correct mountain before staging a musical number.
#Swisstakes #TravelTruce #NeutralOnNoise #YodelResponsibly #DontFeedTheGoats
Leave a Reply