Kolkata — The sky is falling, but just for people born under the Aquarius sign according to astrologer Bimal Banerjee. His daily predictions have asked our Aquarian friends to avoid lending or borrowing money, simultaneously tending to their health amidst this financial chaos.
Ditching IT Jobs to Avoid Loans
The whole of Sector 5, popularly known as the hub of IT companies in Kolkata, witnessed an exodus of Aquarius employees after the horoscope warning came out. IT professionals everywhere, notorious for their reliance on credit cards and personal loans, have reportedly started packing up their cubicles and booking tickets to the Himalayas, following Banerjee’s advice of avoiding lending-borrowing. Recruiters all over are scrambling to plug the sudden deficit of Aquarius IT employees, considering expanding their talent pool to include dogs, cats and, in one desperate instance, a particularly intelligent squirrel who was supposedly a fast learner.
Health Supplements & Emergency Mars Tours: the New Aquarius Survival Kit
Mukesh Meds and Alluring Astronomy, a health supplement store and an obscure astronomy tour operator respectively, have reported record sales. “I don’t know anything about stars, but this star alignment thing has our sales aligning with the sky!” gushed Mukesh, ecstatic with his sudden windfall. Alluring Astronomy on the other hand, is offering express tours to Mars, touting it as the ultimate solution for Aquarians to escape the clutches of debt and health hazards residing on Earth.
Local Aunties Band Together for Starlit Supplication
Meanwhile, Local aunties have formed an ‘Astrological Defense Squad’, holding evening prayer sessions to ward off planetary misalignments. “I’ve always found Aquarians to be a bit off, now we know why!” remarked Shobha Aunty, founder of the squad. “We’re collectively praying to the Piscean deities to share some of their financial stability with our poor Aquarian brothers and sisters. Also, we’re all going gluten-free, just in case.”
Disclaimer: This is a work of satire for entertainment purposes.
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